In Memory of Taylor Wayne Burns
March 15, 2008
I wake up in the middle of the night and realize "Oh crap, I didn't get my period!" Needless to say, I couldn't get back to sleep that night. I couldn't hardly wait to go to the store to get a pregnancy test! So we finally go to the store that afternoon and rush home to do the test. It was so hard to wait the three little minutes for the test to develop! After the three longest minutes of my life, we looked at the test. It was positive! We were so happy! Even though it was an unplanned pregnancy, and we weren't even married yet, we couldn't contain our joy!
Kenny had just started his training at the police department and we decided the best thing to do was to get married. Kenny and I were so in love and we had a little one on the way! March 25, 2008 we got married by a local judge. We didn't have a big fancy wedding, just a small simple civil service. It didn't matter though, because I was marrying the man I loved!
I was convinced we were having a boy. When I had "morning sickness" it wasn't liquidy like everyone else's, I was blowing chunks! My theory was that a girl wouldn't do that to me... however Kenny was convinced we were having a girl. His theory was that most of his cousins were boys whose children were girls. He said having a girl was his "biological destiny."
My pregnancy went on very normally, no major problems. I was in perfect health, gaining the right amount of weight, average blood pressure, did not develop gestational diabetes, etc. The morning sickness eventually subsided as I entered my second trimester. I was even more happy and excited about the baby. I knew the chances of the baby's survival were greatly improved. I was concerned, however, that we were having twins, because my belly was getting so big!
June 30, 2008
I had my ultrasound. I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant and so excited to find out if we would have football or ballet in our future! It turned out we would have neither. Our precious baby had a fatal birth defect. He would either be stillborn or die shortly after his birth. He had anencyphaly and according to the ultrasound, the skull and brain did not form above the eye sockets. We had a very difficult decision ahead of us. We could either end the pregnancy or continue it.
We never once before this appointment had worried about birth defects. We were in our mid-20s and totally healthy. It didn't even dawn on me that two perfectly healthy adults could have an unhealthy baby!
July 3, 2008
I wasn't feeling well so I went back to the doctor. It just felt like something was wrong, I was having pain in my abdomin that wouldn't go away! The doctor couldn't find anything wrong with me. Either I was dehydrated from all the crying, or it was physchological-my baby was "hurt" (even though my doctor reassured me the he could not feel pain) so my "baby bump" was hurting. While I was at the doctor's office I asked if I was having a boy or a girl, since we didn't find out at the ultrasound appointment. She told me, "It's a boy!"
Kenny and I had the hardest and longest week of our lives this week. We were depressed and crying, and couldn't focus on work. In fact, I didn't go to work the whole week! I knew we had to hurry up and make a decision. By law, if I wanted an abortion, I would have to do it by July 30, because of how far along I was. I knew in my heart, I couldn't kill my sweet innocent baby. So that was the decision, continue the pregnancy, no matter what! Until I became pregnant, I had no idea that I could love somebody so much that I have never even met!
July 14, 2008
We had an appointment in a near-by larger city. We were going to get a second opinion from a doctor who specialized in high risk pregnancies. Unfortunately, her diagonsis was the same as the first. No matter what we did, our sweet baby would die. However, the doctor did answer a lot of questions that Kenny and I had. She told us about the risks for carrying the baby, risks for this happening again with later pregnancies, and how to try to prevent it when we decided to get pregnant again.
I am having so many different feelings at once! I'm depressed, feeling sorry for myself. I'm sad for Taylor, that he won't have the opprotunity to open Christmas presents, learn how to ride a bike, etc. It just seems so unfair that he was never even given a chance to live. I feel angry towards people that have healthy babies, and jealousy as well. Most of all, I feel like a failure as a mommy. I was given the job of taking care of Taylor and helping him grow, but I couldn't even do that. Sometimes I question my faith. How could God do this to me? What did Kenny and I do to deserve this? If there is a God, how can he kill innocent babies?!
October 19, 2008
I'm 35 weeks pregnant. Approximately 5 more weeks till Taylor comes to visit. Sometimes, I can cope with the facts okay. Sometimes, I am just so depressed that the time is coming soon. The reason I chose to conitnue my pregnancy is so that I could try to enjoy the little time Taylor and I had together. But it seems to have gone so quickly! I cherish every little kick and punch, and I try to get Kenny to feel them too. Taylor is kicking hard now, and sometimes my whole belly shakes when he moves. Thinking how close I am to having him and how little time precious time Taylor and I have together just breaks my heart. This is supposed to be the happiest time in a woman's life, when she is carrying her baby. But it is the most bittersweet experience I have ever been through. If I could go back in time and take back the afternoon tryst when we concieved Taylor, I would not do it. I love my Taylor and always will. Nothing can ever change a mother's love. Even though my baby will not be able to survive, I will always consider myself a mother, and I hope that Kenny will always consider himself a father. Even though we will probably go on to have more children, nothing and nobody can replace Taylor. I will always love and miss him, and forever he will live in my heart! As long as I live, I will never forget this experience or stop loving my precious baby boy! If I could do anything, anything at all to save him, I would do it! I would give up my own life if it would save him.
December 2, 2008
I go to the doctor, I am two weeks overdue. Time to be induced. I am not ready to give up Taylor, but I am so tired of being pregnant! We make an appointment for my inducement for December 5 at 5 am. I get out to my car and bust into tears. I'm not ready for this! I call Kenny and tell him to get off work starting Friday. So many emotions, and the only way they have to get out of me is through my eyes.
December 4, 2008
Taylor doesn't want to be induced! Labor starts at approximately 9 am. The contractions start around 9 in the morning, I don't know if it's the real thing or not. I wait around till about 10:30, but it hurts so bad! And I start beleeding, it freaks me out! Nobody tells you that's going to happen! I can't stand the pain, I wake up Kenny and tell him it's time to go to the hospitial! We check in about 11 am, I am 2 centimeters dialated and 90% thinned out. This isn't false labor! This is for real! Labor hurts so much! The contractions are so painful, Kenny thinks I'm going to squeeze his thumb off! And then I get morphine, it takes the edge off, for a while. It eventually wears off, and I ask for an epidural. It takes about an hour though for somebody to come give it to me. But once I get it, everything is all good! My feet get tingly, and I am totally numb from the ribcage down. With the pain relief I am able to rest and even get a little sleep while the contractions continue. The contractions continue thoughout the night. I am dialating about a centimeter an hour. Taylor is not dropping, and even though I am nearly fully dialated, the contractions must continue to push him down into the birth canal.
December 5, 2008
I have been in labor for 22 hours, and it is finally time for Taylor to make his appearance! I push for six minutes, and he's here! He arrives at 6:36 am, but unfortunately he passed away during labor. Taylor is stillborn. He weighs 6 pounds, 6 ounces, and is 18 1/2 inches long. Although his brain is completely exposed and he's got sores from his skin being rubbed off during birth, he is so beautiful! (Even now, when I think of Taylor and dream of him, I don't see the defect. I just see my beautiful sweet son.) Taylor has Kenny's brown hair and dark eyes. He's got Kenny's ears and my nose and lips. He's got Kenny's big feet and my long skinny toes. Taylor's fingers are so long and skinny, just like mine. Even though his soul has already gone to heaven, it comforts me to have him with me, even though it's just this his body. We have him baptized. I love snuggling his sweet little body, kissing his beautiful face. He looks like he is just asleep. I wish he would wake!
December 6, 2008
It was so hard to say goodbye when the nurse had to take Taylor away. Taylor will always live in my heart, although a piece of me died with him. A bit of my heart and soul is gone.
December 9, 2008
Taylor's funeral. It's so hard to say goodbye. My sweet angel, I'll always love you and miss you. I know you're in heaven, and I hope we will meet again someday. Words can't express how I'm feeling. Sadness, loneliness, depression, they don't even scratch the surface of my emotions. I miss the feeling of feet in my ribs. I miss Kenny kissing my belly goodnight. Most of all, I miss my son.
Taylor, you've taught me so much about life and love. Thank you for the opprotunity to be your mommy.
After several months (off & on) of trying to get pregnant, I finally got my BIG FAT POSITIVE! We are so excited & VERY nervous! We tried very hard to keep the news to ourselves until we knew if everything was ok w the baby...but we couldn't contain ourselves! Due January 10, 2011 :)
April 5, 2010
9 weeks pregnant! We finally get to have our first ultrasound of the new baby! We saw a big round head & all the other parts looked good too! The doctor was at the hospital delivering a baby, but the ultrasound tech said everything looks nice & normal & healthy! Since I had to have a transvaginal ultrasound (b/c of being so early in the pregnancy) the tech decided she was going to look at all my reproductive organs to make sure they were ok too. There was a few small cysts on the left ovary, the tech thought it was from ovulating from that ovary.
Not sure if its a boy or girl, but it sure is different from my first pregnancy. With the first pregnancy, I would get sick out of the blue, and feel naucous all day long. This time around, I feel naucous all morning whether or not I throw up....but the few times I did throw up, I felt pretty good afterward!
August 27, 2010
20 weeks pregnant! Go back to the doctor for my BIG anatomy scan! The brain & head look good and all the organs seem to be good as well! We didn't find out the gender, b/c of everything we had been through with Taylor, we really didn't care if it was a boy or girl, as long as we got a healthy, living baby! The few tiny cysts on my left ovary had grown to the size of a small pumpkin. The doctor is very concerned. I will have an ultrasound with every visit from here on out!
The cyst continues to grow, I am in so much pain it has nearly reached my rib cage & is hard as a rock. One night it hurt so bad I went to the hospital, thinking it may have twisted or something. But my doctor thinks it is too large by this point to twist. The baby still looks good on the ultrasound but we are concerned about the cyst taking over the baby's space & impeding his/her growth. My doctor sends me to a maternal-fetal specialist. I beg my doctor to take me off work, and she agrees.
Late October 2010
I go to the maternal-fetal specialist for a second opinion. My regular OB/Gyn & the maternal-fetal specialist agree that it is just a cyst, growing so large b/c of the pregnancy hormones, they are certain that is not cancerous. They agree that I will have vertical c-section in order to take out the mass. But the maternal-fetal specialist assures me that the uterus will continue to grow & that the baby will be fine, my abdomin will be huge though. Baby is still looking good at this point. Still do not know the baby's gender. I am pretty sure it's a boy. My husband thinks it's a girl. And we can't decide on a name. For a boy either Jerimiah or Joseph, and no idea for a girl, except that we want the middle name to be Hope. After all we have been thru, we still have "hope" for the future.
Late November 2010
I am in a crazy amount of pain, have been taking Tylenol during the day and prescription pain killers at night. The prescription medicine makes me drowsy, so I only take it at night. The cyst has grown into my rib cage and reaches my pelvic bone. It takes up my entire left side of my abdomin, and starting to move into the right side. It is still hard as a rock, and although I am spending about 85% of my time laying in bed it is unbearable pain, and everytime the baby kicks it hurts even worse. I simply cannot take much more of this. We decide once I reach 35 weeks I will have my c-section. But the surgery scheduler schedules it for 34 1/2 weeks. I get my steriod shots to help the baby's lungs develop faster.
December 3, 2010
34 weeks and 4 days pregnant! Having my baby today! So nervous about the surgery & about the baby's health being born so early. Once I am prepped for surgery, my doctor comes to see me & she has decided she will have me put under general anesthesia. I'm not thrilled about the change of plans b/c we had planned on me getting an epidural and then being put to sleep after the baby was born. But she thinks she will have to cut higher than the epidural will cover. So I have the surgery, I still don't know if it's a boy or girl! I wanted to be the first to know, but my husband swears he will not tell anyone the gender or let anyone see him/her till after I do! I woke up about 2 hours later, and found out.....its a GIRL!! Good thing we finally decided on a girl's name the night before! We name her Mackenzie Hope. She is on oxygen canulas and doing pretty well. She weighs 5 lbs 4 oz and is 18 inches long.
December 5, 2010
Mackenzie is 2 days old & has gone into respiratory distress. She has pulmonary hypertension, which is when the blood vessels in the lungs don't open up to deliver blood and oxygen to the organs. She goes into respiratory distress and is life-flighted to a hospital with a better NICU about 200 miles away. My husband got to fly with her, but I am stuck in the hospital recovering from surgery. She was on the brink of death when she left our hospital, I prayed so hard for her to get to the bigger hospital in time & that they could help her at the bigger hospital. I had faith that if she could get there, she would be alright. So I'm stuck in the hospital not knowing if my daughter would live or die, and it was Taylor's 2nd angelversary as well :( what a horrible day!
December 6, 2010
I am released from the hospital and after getting my scripts filled and gassed up the car, my parents head up to the bigger hospital, one of them driving my car so that my husband and I can have a car to get back and forth from the hospital & the hotel, and to bring her home when she is ready to come home! It's touch & go for a few days, but slowly but surely she starts making progress, she gets weaned off her medicines and off the oxygen! By December 22, she is ready to go home! Thank you God! I really could not tolerate living after losing two babies!
December 10, 2010
I go to the doctor for my 1 week post-op check up & to get the results from my pathology report. Turns out the mass was a borderline tumor, which is a low malignancy form of ovarian cancer. And the tumor weighed over 10 lbs. It was more than 18 inches long. No wonder I was in pain! I have to visit a gyn oncologist to have her opinion. The oncologist said that this type of tumor typically does not spread and rarely comes back. So now I have to have an ultrasound and bloodwork to check for markers of the tumor every 6 months for the rest of my life.
Now Mackenzie is a healthy 1 year old! She is a little behind on her developments from being premature but she is doing great!
Last updated Jan 3, 2012