In Memory of Taylor Wayne Burns
March 15, 2008
I wake up in the middle of the night and realize "Oh crap, I didn't get my period!" Needless to say,
I couldn't get back to sleep that night. I couldn't hardly wait to go to the store to get a pregnancy test!
So we finally go to the store that afternoon and rush home to do the test. It was so hard to wait the three
little minutes for the test to develop! After the three longest minutes of my life, we looked at the test.
It was positive! We were so happy! Even though it was an unplanned pregnancy, and we weren't even married yet,
we couldn't contain our joy!
Kenny had just started his training at the police department and we decided the best thing to do was to get
married. Kenny and I were so in love and we had a little one on the way! March 25, 2008 we got married by
a local judge. We didn't have a big fancy wedding, just a small simple civil service. It didn't matter
though, because I was marrying the man I loved!
April-May 2008
I was convinced we were having a boy. When I had "morning sickness" it wasn't liquidy like everyone else's,
I was blowing chunks! My theory was that a girl wouldn't do that to me... however Kenny was convinced we were
having a girl. His theory was that most of his cousins were boys whose children were girls. He said having a
girl was his "biological destiny."
My pregnancy went on very normally, no major problems. I was in perfect health, gaining the right amount of weight,
average blood pressure, did not develop gestational diabetes, etc. The morning sickness eventually subsided as I
entered my second trimester. I was even more happy and excited about the baby. I knew the chances of the baby's
survival were greatly improved. I was concerned, however, that we were having twins, because my belly was getting
so big!
June 30, 2008
I had my ultrasound. I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant and so excited to find out if we would have football or ballet
in our future! It turned out we would have neither. Our precious baby had a fatal birth defect. He would either
be stillborn or die shortly after his birth. He had anencyphaly and according to the ultrasound, the skull and brain
did not form above the eye sockets. We had a very difficult decision ahead of us. We could either end the pregnancy
or continue it.
We never once before this appointment had worried about birth defects. We were in our mid-20s and totally healthy.
It didn't even dawn on me that two perfectly healthy adults could have an unhealthy baby!
July 3, 2008
I wasn't feeling well so I went back to the doctor. It just felt like something was wrong, I was having pain in my
abdomin that wouldn't go away! The doctor couldn't find anything wrong with me. Either I was dehydrated from all
the crying, or it was physchological-my baby was "hurt" (even though my doctor reassured me the he could not feel
pain) so my "baby bump" was hurting. While I was at the doctor's office I asked if I was having a boy or a girl, since
we didn't find out at the ultrasound appointment. She told me, "It's a boy!"
Kenny and I had the hardest and longest week of our lives this week. We were depressed and crying, and couldn't focus
on work. In fact, I didn't go to work the whole week! I knew we had to hurry up and make a decision. By law, if I
wanted an abortion, I would have to do it by July 30, because of how far along I was. I knew in my heart, I couldn't
kill my sweet innocent baby. So that was the decision, continue the pregnancy, no matter what! Until I became pregnant,
I had no idea that I could love somebody so much that I have never even met!
July 14, 2008
We had an appointment in a near-by larger city. We were going to get a second opinion from a doctor who specialized in
high risk pregnancies. Unfortunately, her diagonsis was the same as the first. No matter what we did, our sweet baby
would die. However, the doctor did answer a lot of questions that Kenny and I had. She told us about the risks for carrying
the baby, risks for this happening again with later pregnancies, and how to try to prevent it when we decided to get pregnant
again.
I am having so many different feelings at once! I'm depressed, feeling sorry for myself. I'm sad for Taylor, that he won't
have the opprotunity to open Christmas presents, learn how to ride a bike, etc. It just seems so unfair that he was never
even given a chance to live. I feel angry towards people that have healthy babies, and jealousy as well. Most of all, I
feel like a failure as a mommy. I was given the job of taking care of Taylor and helping him grow, but I couldn't even
do that. Sometimes I question my faith. How could God do this to me? What did Kenny and I do to deserve this? If
there is a God, how can he kill innocent babies?!
October 19, 2008
I'm 35 weeks pregnant. Approximately 5 more weeks till Taylor comes to visit. Sometimes, I can cope with the facts okay.
Sometimes, I am just so depressed that the time is coming soon. The reason I chose to conitnue my pregnancy is so that I
could try to enjoy the little time Taylor and I had together. But it seems to have gone so quickly! I cherish every little
kick and punch, and I try to get Kenny to feel them too. Taylor is kicking hard now, and sometimes my whole belly shakes
when he moves. Thinking how close I am to having him and how little time precious time Taylor and I have together just
breaks my heart. This is supposed to be the happiest time in a woman's life, when she is carrying her baby. But it is the
most bittersweet experience I have ever been through. If I could go back in time and take back the afternoon tryst when we
concieved Taylor, I would not do it. I love my Taylor and always will. Nothing can ever change a mother's love. Even though
my baby will not be able to survive, I will always consider myself a mother, and I hope that Kenny will always consider himself
a father. Even though we will probably go on to have more children, nothing and nobody can replace Taylor. I will always
love and miss him, and forever he will live in my heart! As long as I live, I will never forget this experience or stop
loving my precious baby boy! If I could do anything, anything at all to save him, I would do it! I would give up my own
life if it would save him.
December 2, 2008
I go to the doctor, I am two weeks overdue. Time to be induced. I am not ready to give up Taylor, but I am so tired of being
pregnant! We make an appointment for my inducement for December 5 at 5 am. I get out to my car and bust into tears. I'm not
ready for this! I call Kenny and tell him to get off work starting Friday. So many emotions, and the only way they have to get
out of me is through my eyes.
December 4, 2008
Taylor doesn't want to be induced! Labor starts at approximately 9 am. The contractions start around 9 in the morning, I don't
know if it's the real thing or not. I wait around till about 10:30, but it hurts so bad! And I start beleeding, it freaks me
out! Nobody tells you that's going to happen! I can't stand the pain, I wake up Kenny and tell him it's time to go to the
hospitial! We check in about 11 am, I am 2 centimeters dialated and 90% thinned out. This isn't false labor! This is for
real! Labor hurts so much! The contractions are so painful, Kenny thinks I'm going to squeeze his thumb off! And then I
get morphine, it takes the edge off, for a while. It eventually wears off, and I ask for an epidural. It takes about an hour
though for somebody to come give it to me. But once I get it, everything is all good! My feet get tingly, and I am totally
numb from the ribcage down. With the pain relief I am able to rest and even get a little sleep while the contractions continue.
The contractions continue thoughout the night. I am dialating about a centimeter an hour. Taylor is not dropping, and even
though I am nearly fully dialated, the contractions must continue to push him down into the birth canal.
December 5, 2008
I have been in labor for 22 hours, and it is finally time for Taylor to make his appearance! I push for six minutes, and
he's here! He arrives at 6:36 am, but unfortunately he passed away during labor. Taylor is stillborn. He weighs 6 pounds,
6 ounces, and is 18 1/2 inches long. Although his brain is completely exposed and he's got sores from his skin being rubbed
off during birth, he is so beautiful! (Even now, when I think of Taylor and dream of him, I don't see the defect. I just
see my beautiful sweet son.) Taylor has Kenny's brown hair and dark eyes. He's got Kenny's ears and my nose and lips.
He's got Kenny's big feet and my long skinny toes. Taylor's fingers are so long and skinny, just like mine. Even though
his soul has already gone to heaven, it comforts me to have him with me, even though it's just this his body. We have him
baptized. I love snuggling his sweet little body, kissing his beautiful face. He looks like he is just asleep. I wish
he would wake!
December 6, 2008
It was so hard to say goodbye when the nurse had to take Taylor away. Taylor will always live in my heart, although a piece
of me died with him. A bit of my heart and soul is gone.
December 9, 2008
Taylor's funeral. It's so hard to say goodbye. My sweet angel, I'll always love you and miss you. I know you're in heaven,
and I hope we will meet again someday. Words can't express how I'm feeling. Sadness, loneliness, depression, they don't
even scratch the surface of my emotions. I miss the feeling of feet in my ribs. I miss Kenny kissing my belly goodnight.
Most of all, I miss my son.
Taylor, you've taught me so much about life and love. Thank you for the opprotunity to be your mommy.
Last updated Jan 16, 2009
